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Written as a tested new way to raise responsible children, this 1970 book by Dr. Thomas Gordon uses many of the principles of effective coaching to achieve desired results. For example, his chapters on the language of acceptance, active listening, and I-messages can be valuable for coaches as well as parents or managers for that matter.
The chapters on acceptance cover how a parent can demonstrate acceptance nonverbally and verbally, and even look at a parent becoming more accepting of themself. Active listening is described as opening the door and keeping it open for the child to talk. Door openers include: tell me about that, tell me more, this seems like something important to you.
Keeping the door open includes having the attitude of really wanting to hear what the child has to say, genuinely wanting to be helpful, truly accepting the childs feelings, and having a deep trust in the childs capacity to solve his/her own feelings. Using I-messages versus You-messages is foundational for coaches, yet not for most parents.
Who has experienced P.E.T. and what influence has it had on your coaching?
Vikki G. Brock, Ph.D., EMBA, MCC
Team Lead – Hall of Fame, Virtual Museum
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Tom Gordon’s book and his training program had a significant influence on me. Under his mentorship I and hundreds of others became PET trainers (and eventually Teacher Effectiveness Training-TET, Leader Effectiveness Training-LET, and Youth Effectiveness Training-YET). The book and the workshop training materials we used with parents as well as the meetings with other trainers gave me on-going opportunities to practice the skills in some highly challenging situations.
Tom was a student of and mentored by Carl Rogers. The concepts Tom developed that appeared in his book are probably the most widely-used, copied and modified ideas about interpersonal communication available. He invented the terms “active listening,” “I-messages,” “shifting gears” and “Roadblocks to communication,” all of which are basic building blocks in coaching. He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize three times, and his work pioneered democratic decision-making. He was a soft-spoken, funny, compassionate man who lived his life in total congruence with what he taught others. I still have my original copy of PET and it includes lots of coffee stains, the traces of a drop or two of tequila, and the marks of a number of tears.
A historical note: The PET book was not a 1970 book, it was originally published in 1962. I met Tom in the mid-1960′s when he was leading the train-the-trainer PET courses. We worked together again in 1970 for the White House Conference on Children and Youth, and that was the last time I saw him, but I never lost connection with what he taught me.
Hi Rey,
Thanks for sharing your connection with Tom Gordon, as well as the historical note. I acquired the PET book copyright 1970 and presumed that it was the original publication. Thanks for the clarification.
The link of Tom Gordon to Carl Rogers reminds me again how connected we all are – even though no one of us is the author of any of this.
I am in complete agreement about how we can be influenced even when we are not in contact with someone.
Who else has been influenced by Tom Gordon’s work and philosophy?
Dr. Vikki Brock
Team Lead – Virtual Museum of Coaching and Hall of Fame
I bought and read this book and applied it’s active listening to the raising of my two daughters. They are now in there 30′s a doctor and a lawyer. I’ve been trying to remember the title for months. Hurray for the internet! And PET.