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As long as I hold onto who I am right now, I won’t be able to grow into who I might become.
Mondays, when I’m not working with a client, I spend a good chunk of my day handling administrivia, writing, doing paperwork, and wading through that special file I keep of ‚Äúseed thoughts,” ideas, and reminders to add to, create or morph a program or concept. There is also this file I keep of emails that I parked because I know I need a lot of thinking time to process them. Mondays are when I schedule that time in.
This morning I came across an email exchange I had with a colleague way back when. We had been talking about learning through the process of coaching, not just learning the business of coaching, or through class material, conferences or seminars. Coaches should learn from their clients daily….increasing our awareness of who we are as individuals and professionals.
I remember writing her in response to a comment she made about my work. I shared the following: ‚ÄúWhat was amazing was how much I learn when I’m Shadow Coaching. I see and learn about things I never knew existed. But even more than that, the feedback I got this afternoon showed how many levels I work on with my clients when I’m on the scene. That’s what amazed me the most. This client told me how I also helped him change in a ‚Äòholistic way’. That blew ME away. I wonder how many coaches are so wrapped up with coaching that they can forget they’re students at the same time? It doesn’t make us any less effective. Quite the opposite. It helps our clients realise the depth of their knowledge when we share how much we’ve also learned in the process. It’s a true collaborative partnership”.
“Her response was ‚ÄúThat’s why you’re so go damn good at what you do Sherlock! I learn tons from you and also keep you in my mind when I’m consulting and not sure what to do.”
There have been many a thread in coaching articles as to old ways of coaching, models perspectives etc. In the ‚Äúold days” of coaching, we used to hold back any advice-giving or communication with regards to any sign we might not have all the answers. Now, things are changing dramatically. It might be easier because I’m a situational/observational coach and there to deal with situations and truth as it unfolds. It’s even more powerful when I’m able to tell my client ‚ÄúIt’s not important to know what you do as much as how you do it or the drivers behind why you do it”. However it’s also incredibly powerful to turn to a client and ask ‚ÄúWhat is it you want from me right now? What am I missing?” and admit we’re both on a learning curve. Sometimes we need ‚Äòpermission’ to admit we don’t have all the answers but that in itself leads to a fact finding, collaborative learning curve.My clients are all unique individuals. Why would I even presume to use one methodology or answer for all of them?
How does the saying go? ‚ÄúIt’s a very stupid man who believes he has all the answers.” Something like that?
One way I let go of who I am right now to become the person I may be in the future is by asking one question at a time, then paying attention to whatever unfolds without having the need to control what that might be.
That just might be what it means to live in the questions.
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There are 3 Responses so far...
I think it shows tremendous security and courage on a Coach’s part to not only admit to not knowing the answer, but to admit that there may be no answer at all for the client’s situation. We are wrapped up in wanting to demonstrate value by helping the client “fix” things. Sometimes things are so broken that they have to be set aside. Sometimes the right answer for the client is that they have gotten themselves into a mess and will just have to take their lumps if they ever want to eventually see better days. As Winston Churchill once said, “When you’re going through hell, you’d best keep going.”
Thanks for this great reminder, Donna, that no matter how much we want to look good by providing answers or to help fix things for the client, the coaching relationship is not really about our ego. It’s about what’s best for the client.
Lable
To me, there is always an answer. The challenge is whether the answer is what the client is looking for, is willing to accept,is able to ‘find’ the answer via the coach’s ‘questioning skills’, etc.
Moreover, who owns the ‘answer’? Obviously to me, it should be the client, and if that is true of coaching, should a coach provide the ‘answer’?
As far as ego goes, to me, a coach should have the ego-strength to purpose-drive the coaching processes, but should not be egoistic to the extent to prove ‘something’, fix something, or the like.
Egocentric domination i.e. the tendency to seek what one wants through the unreasonable use of direct power by means of one position as a coach; egocentric submission i.e. the irrational tendency to psychologically join and serve the ‘client’ to get to what the coach wish to achieve (without taking into consideration what is ‘right’ for the client), and ‘mindreading’ i.e. the coach ‘guessing work’ of what the client needs; are some of the fallacies that may lead to providing unnecessarily ‘answers’ that are irrelevant, meaningless, and having no significant impact for the client.
The answers to me, almost lies with the client most of the time and are dependent on the clarity of definitions of what needs to be achieved within the coaching session itself. Specifying the intended coaching outcomes for each particular coaching session becomes critical, and to me, should always be at the ‘forefront’ of every coaching conversation (however, may be open to debate in free style life coaching?).
All types of ‘mess’ can be broken done into parts, although we as coaches would not be engaging in fixing the broken parts (that would be in the domains of counseling, therapy, and other specialized ‘help professions’).
Our role as coaches would be among many, to morph possibilities & positiveness of each ‘broken part’ and ‘leverage’ them by taking the client to more meaningful endeavours, getting them into the ‘AHA’ experiences, and discovering (through the client’s own lenses) potentialities the client was not in the first place, able to grasp before engaging in the coaching conversation.
So to me, as a coach, the answer always lies in asking the appropriate types of 9Ps questions – “Powerful or Precision or Profound or Positive psychology or Problem focused or Production outcomes/solution focused or Precensing or Pre-qualifying or Pre-disengagement” coaching questions.
The appropriate coaching questions would trigger the appropriate responses leading to the client finding the ‘answers’. The ultimate goal of the coach to a certain extent is that the coaching conversations would lead to the ‘answers’ the client is looking and yearning for.
So, is there agreement that there will always be an ‘answer’ (irrespective whether it is the right-wrong, appropriate-inappropriate, satisfactory-unsatisfactory, etc. ‘answers’?).
Thanks for permitting me to reciprocate, and in the process creating the avenue in my learning evolution to be a better informed coach.
Meta-cheerio.
Billy C H Teoh
Malaysia.
I love this conversation. There is agreement that there are always answers though I can say we don’t always discover what they are, or at least right away….which works for many of my clients as their worlds open up. That’s one of the things I love about coaching in real time. I see their world as it unfolds.
Conversations are what evolves us whether coach to coach or coach client. Thank you Billy and Lable for sharing your perspectives. Keep them coming as I learn so much from you and all of you who share.