Professional Coaching: Friendship for Sale?

Hi Linda,
this is indeed an intriguing topic, and I’ve not yet read Mr. Eisenstein’s work, but don’t mind sharing that I disagree with the portion of the quote.
Though I’m friend-ly with my clients, I’m not invited to their house for Thanksgiving and they don’t come to my birthday parties, either. They don’t get to hear about how tough my day was, and I don’t hold back on my real deep down honest opinion because I don’t want to hurt their feelings or because I know I’ll be around long enough to see this whole thing play itself out. With a client, It’s. My. Job. to hold them accountable and push a couple of buttons.
I might even go as far to say that the base-feeling with friends is love, and with clients it’s respect, but that’s a statement I’ve not thought through from all 360 degree angles. I mean, I’ve respect for my friends and love for my clients, too, but there’s a subtle difference anyhow. Know what I mean?
I wrote a little on this distinction way back on my blog, read and comment here, if you fancy: http://buildingthelifeyouwant.wordpress.com/2008/04/26/friends-vs-clients/
Thank you for keeping us thinking and defining our roles, it’ll certainly improve and clarify our relationships.
Have a great day and weekend,
Dee

Interesting perspective, one I have given much reflection to…for anyone interested where my thinking and contemplation about the “commodification of friendship” took me you can read a short essay “What is a coach?” at

http://www.seanleclaire.com/ezine/BtC_0109.html

Blessings of peace and good friendship,

Sean

I was once asked if the coaches I hired weren’t “really” just people I paid to be my friends.

The question seemed insulting to the professional coaches and preposterous to me. However, I gave the question serious thought, because I am always open to questioning my activities (and especially expenditures that total tens of thousands of dollars).

I decided that although I felt “friendly” with my coaches, and that I had developed deeply personal relationships, this was not the same as paying people to “be my friends.” Several of those professional relationships ended in due course, and although I am “friendly” with former coaches, they don’t have the same place in my life as people I describe as “friends.”

When I’m the coach, sometimes there’s an effort to transition to a more personal friendship when the coaching relationship ends. So far, I am experiencing mixed results. Can one – should one – leave a formal coaching relationship and move into either a personal friendship or a business relationship?

The jury’s out, in my case, anyway. I can say for sure that my coach is not being paid to be my “friend.” I wouldn’t dream of putting a friend through what I ask of my coach! And I take pains to keep relationship with my clients on a friendly, but strictly professional level.

Linda

This is a great topic, and one which I had only debated in my own head – until now.

The “funny” thing that happens with the notion of friendship for sale, is that it only moves in one direction. I found myself yesterday running into a client, at the gym and embarking into a 10 minute conversation … about her. It looked like a regular conversation between two friends except that there was never a time when she asked “so, how about you?”

Thanks for bringing this up and thanks for introducing me to the Coaching Commons!

This theme of (or accusation about) “paid friendships” or professional friends is not new. It was a central thesis of Steve Salerno’s 2005 book, “SHAM: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless,” and it has been discussed by academic sociologists and urban anthropologists.

The idea has three parts: one, the structure of North American society has changed in the last 30 years or so in a way that the traditional personal support sources (such as the ones Linda mentions) are no longer available in terms of immediacy, frequency, and trust. Unlike the Stephanie Plum character in the Janet Evanovich crime fiction books who always has immediate access to her grandmother to provide ideas (or trouble), how many of us actually have the time and opportunity to have lengthy discussions about our goals, aspirations, and results with those who love us?

Two, making a living has become more time-consuming than making a life. We need to actually schedule time to make a life now. We need time for reflection and consideration. The options are too numerous and some of the consequences too dire to just push along without examination. Taking time to work with a coach or therapist or other helping practitioner enables us to hold a place for ourselves. We have to actually work at leading a simple life, and often this requires conversation with someone who has the skills to hold a place for us, hold us accountable as Dee said above, and challenge us to connect with our own inner wisdom.

Third, there have been some accusations that our natural helpers within our community or workplace have been co-opted by “professionalization.” There is considerable validity to this point. When an individual has natural helping skills and abilities (and many coaches recognize this within themselves as one of the reasons they decided to choose coaching as a career), they often then take formal training which teaches them to behave differently (no advice-giving in coaching is one of the most common aspects of this training). The critics believe that these changes to their natural helping skill decreases their attractiveness and effectiveness to those persons within their own communities who had previously relied on them for informal help; and thus others no longer seek them out. Several people have written about the “toxic handler” person within the workplace who serves an important role as an informal and frequently sought-out source to deal with problems. But identifying individuals with this characteristic and then “training” them in typical coaching language and skills, can often decrease their value rather than increase their value in the workplace.

“Professional coaching:Friendship for sale?”. Huh? How should we define ‘friendship’ in a coaching context? To what extent should ‘friendship’ be extended? Is ‘friendship’ necessary to facilitate in making the coaching processes more efficient and effective? How far should we step into the ‘boundaries’ of coaching, differentiating and segregating between ‘serious coaching work’ versus ‘personal involvements’?

I see the professional coaching relationship as ‘valued services’ (paid or pro bono) that must arrive at the purpose-driven coaching outcomes irrespective of whether paid or not. As such, if one can monitor, control, & manage the coaching relationship professionally and still draw the line on how ‘profound’ the ‘friendship factors’ should play in the coaching relationship, then, that would be towards optimum.

In most ‘interactions’, a ‘friendship platform’, would definitely facilitate the process. However, in coaching, we often engage in ‘fierce conversations’ because we need to move towards the purpose-driven objectives, and many times, ‘being friendly’/'being empathetic’/etc. may not help us to achieve what we are set out to do (what is best as per defined by the coachee)? Should we succeed in establishing ‘friendship’ at the expense of professional coaching deliveries?

Listening, understanding, holding the perspectives, and the many things associated within the radar of ‘friendship’,etc., from our coachees’ frames would increase our ‘attractiveness level’ with our coachees. Though my only concern is that we may be drawn and influenced towards and into the ‘friendship paradigm’, that we ‘forget’ that, what we coaches are engaged, paid and rewarded to do in the first place? Where should we draw the line then?

I am sure as we continue our practice, we should be able to make the judgmental call on what extent ‘friendship’ should play in our professional coaching relationships with our coachees.

My verdict: “Coaching is not about selling friendship, because coaching is purpose-driven. Friendship cannot be bought, it must be earned, and ‘fierce coaching conversations’ can actually enhance friendship, once the intentions are ‘clear’ and the results – evident and meaningful”. Any other opinions, suggestions, and thoughts to add?

Meta-cheerio.

Billy C H Teoh
Malaysia.

It is totally up to the coach to determine the nature of the relationship with their clients. Some of my clients need support at a deeper level than others. As primarily a business coach, most of my work stays in that arena, however I find that life coaching requires me to become a little more ‘personal” with my clients but this can still be achieved without pretending to be their “friend”. I think that coaches are actually alot more valuable to a person in need of support because we can be (and should be)honest with our clients when most of the time, a friend will hold back from saying the tough stuff because they fear it will affect the friendship. We all need honest feedback for growth and this is the true role of the coach and not the friend. I agree with the other comments that I am friend-ly with my clients but I am not their personal friend during the coaching relationship. What happens after the coaching relationship ends, is up to the individuals themselves. I would never turn away from the opportunity to make a new and valued friend if they were no longer a client.

Hi. Interesting topic. Getting back to Linda´s question:

“How can we possibly compare those relationships with today’s professional coaching?”

Those relationships share the help delivery, and they are different by the means they use to accomplish that help delivery: Church, parents, friends, etc. rely on expert advice, they tell you what and how to do it, from a very specific approach (common sense, own experience, a creed, etc.), while coaching is a joint exploration of current client reality and the joint action design for improvement, according to client needs.

The positive approach of that quote could be a reminder of the change agent (consultant, coach, facilitator) role, in order to develop a healthy helping relationship based on trust, while remaining in an objective position in order to provide an external perspective, provide helpful help to the client, and assure that learning is generated by and retained in the client.

The challenge here is avoid becoming vulnerable -and less effective, less helpful- to being embraced by the client in ways that may diminish the influence that derives from a more objective position, where the help delivery will be powerful and effective.

I seek permission to share further my perspectives on Abiel’s statement “in order to develop a healthy helping relationship based on trust, while remaining in an objective position in order to provide an external perspective, provide helpful help to the client, and assure that learning is generated by and retained in the client.” in the context of the coaching relationship.

While the most powerful coachee’s experiences (in a coaching session) probably come from working ‘inside’ the coachee’s inner understanding, thoughts, feelings, frames, etc. (using ‘Clean Language’, ‘Solution-Focused’, ‘NeuroSemantics’, and a range of other techniques); there are times when the coach will be called upon to ‘impose’ his/her external perspectives (in order to ‘shift’ the coachee’s inner frames of comfort intentionally to facilitate the coachee’s discoveries of ‘Ah Ha’). These could be ‘times’ of ‘coachee’s resistance’, and these are where the ‘trust relationship’ established could determine whether the coaching process could transition forward smoothly or not. To what extent is it important to facilitate and enrich the coachee’s experience within the coaching session?

I believe the key is not ‘friendship’, but more to do with ‘trust’ in a healthy coaching relationship. How crucial is trust in a coaching relationship?

Great to have a ‘friendly disposition’(one can be friendly, though not necessarily sincere?) in a coaching relationship, though when ‘serious coaching work’ is in progress, wouldn’t ‘established trust’ save the day, when engagements involve ‘fierce conversations’? (usually as a result of imposing of the coach’s external perspectives on the coachee).

While it is possible to impose a third or forth position of external perspectives to ‘neutralize’ resistance, most coachees experience and function better if we coaches could facilitate coaching frames, solutions, action plans, etc. ‘within the coachee’s inner world’ (and only when we coaches cannot resolute the ‘issues’ within the coachee’s ‘inner world’, then, explore further by engaging in ‘external perspective’ fierce conversations).

Although an external perspective could be shared or provided to the coachee, ultimately, the coach should ‘induce’ the coachee to ‘examine’ the external perspectives (which were imposed by the coach) from the coachee’s inner views, and encouraging explorations of the ‘benefits’ and ‘discoveries’; and becoming aware & realizing (without the coach telling) of his/her potential ‘blindspots; would enrich further the coachee’s inner world, and reduce ‘resistance’ and increase ‘comfort’ in the coaching engagement.

To put it in simply, I believe it is better to engage coaching from the coachee’s perspectives first, and only when there are just too many ‘loopings’ and not getting anywhere, the judgement call is made to ‘bring’ in the external perspectives. What are your thoughts on this?

All of the above is in general, possible, where a ‘trusting relationship’ exist. Friendly relationship would probably take second or third or lesser importance, in the coaching relationship, in my view. Do you agree with me or not?

Coaching is all about focusing on the coachee, not the coach. It is about the coach facilitating the process to enable the coachee to generate solutions and evidenting actions to attain the coaching goal/outcome/result required. Am I in general consensus with everybody else on this issue? What else should be included?

If we are to profoundly think through, what role does ‘friendship’ play in the coaching relationship, and to what extent will ‘friendship’ makes the difference in the coaching context?, what would happen?

Which goes back to my initial explorations in my earlier posting:”How should we define ‚Äòfriendship’ in a coaching context? To what extent should ‚Äòfriendship’ be extended? Is ‚Äòfriendship’ necessary to facilitate in making the coaching processes more efficient and effective? How far should we step into the ‚Äòboundaries’ of coaching, differentiating and segregating between ‘serious coaching work’ versus ‚Äòpersonal involvements’?”

Meta-cheerio.

Billy C H Teoh
Malaysia.

Every one of these responses serve as hopeful, helpful dialogue for the coaching community. The advancement of professional coaching takes giant steps toward integrity and credibility as these issues are openly and honestly discussed.

I like very much this quote and I (sadly) agree with Mr Eisenstein. People seem no more able to listen to each other, I mean really listen. It seems that everyone is centered on themselves. What about family members? It seems that families have exploded. Sisters and brothers are no more in touch, it’s the same thing with parents. So…
Sometimes, to get support, you need to pay a stranger, a coach or a therapist, someone you don’t know at all. I think that often a friend, a genuine friend, would have been sufficient…but where is this “genuine” friend?

I think an area coaches need to pay attention to is how the coaching relationship evolves over time. I think most if not all start out with the right dynamic. As we get to know our clients we become familiar with them and certainly more intimate, if only because we are having conversations that can be quite personal and intense. I’m worried that many of us and/or our clients might enjoy the relationship so much that we start putting our enjoyment ahead of doing our job!

The main difference between a coach and a true friendship (not one you paid for, which then isn’t really a friendship, but an obligation) is the level of detachment. A coach worth their weight in gold shows up, has their client’s best interest at heart, but doesn’t care. A great coach isn’t personally invested. True friends sharing a friendship based in mutual respect, trust and compassion, can’t help but be affected by the growth, or lack of growth, of each other. On an emotional plane, friends have the capacity to fulfill needs in a way coaches never can. That coaches remain emotionally detached is the key value they bring to their clients, something friends and family, by the dynamics of their relationships can rarely do.

Friendships that offer unconditional support and are built on mutual trust and respect have always been rare. They are to be treasured and nurtured by both parties if they are to survive and thrive. That coaches may be seen as paid substitutes for such relationships is a factor of the dynamics of our world right. Humans by nature require deep connections, yet more and more we are establishing lives we are barely able to maintain on a surface level. We have too long valued productivity and output over everything else. We’ve focused on volume and speed in everything from manufacturing to information to personal connections. We’ve become multi-tasking maniacs who have neither the time nor attention to operate beyond the surface level. True value requires time, attention and depth. Quality, be it in tangible goods, thought processes or relationships, demands a greater investment of our present selves than we are willing to give. The result is an emerging hunger we can’t quite put a finger on, not because we don’t know what is causing it, but because our fingers are pre-occupied with other tasks.

This is the environment that gave birth to coaches. There are coaches who offer strategy to navigate and maintain this ideology of doing more, being more, and attaining more. There are coaches who speak to the need to reverse the current trend in order to find purpose, satisfaction and value. There are coaches who are fire-starters, others who are salves and a vast range of others in between. Is it any wonder that potential clients, outside observers and coaches themselves have so much difficulty with a professional definition? All fall under the same ‘coaching’ umbrella, yet their end games are different.

It behooves both coaches and potential clients to recognize what they offer and what they need respectively. Otherwise no one should be surprised by questions that spark such lively dialogue as, “Are coaches just high-priced buddies?”

Gail, you brought out an interesting point of view about differentiating coaching with friendship by the ‘level of detachment’ as one way of ‘measurement’.

I do agree with you that great coaches do practice ‘emotional detachments’ during the coaching relationship most of the time.

However, my personal view is that, great coaches do sometimes need to have the ability to step-in (to understand the coachee’s frame of the issue/context), step-out (having the skill not to be trapped at the ‘step-in’, hence unable or having difficulty to get back to the real work of coaching), and step-back/detach (taking a second or third position about the coach-coachee relationships,contexts & processes).

Although ‘detachment’ is a key coaching skill itself, I believe the ability to ‘step-in’ without being entrapped into ‘emotional attachments’ is also a necessary skill that great coaches are able to do. Do you agree or disagree?

‘Detachment’ to me enables the great coach to captivate ‘sensible truths’ that facilitates engagement into meaningful ‘fierce conversations’ that truly permeate the value & clarity of coaching (taking away the ‘distortions/noises’ that could influence the coaching process).

However, by ‘stepping-in’, in my opinion, the coach enters into the ‘world’ of the coachee, to have a deeper glimpse, and perhaps ‘finding’ the ‘leverage points’(that help make that significant impact and shift), that the coachee needs, during the coaching ‘stepping out’ and ‘stepping back/detachment’ processes.

‘Total detachment’ to me, sometimes may put the coachee into an ‘artificial’ coaching conversation flow, and possibly may ‘disrupt’ the energy flow of the coaching conversation. Are there evidences that ‘total detachments’ should be what all coaches should do all the time, as a principle? Anyone would like to share?

Many times, ‘inducing’ the coachee to a resource state means directly or indirectly the coach is ‘drawn into’ the ‘induced experience’ that the coachee is concurrently experiencing. The skilled coach would be ‘induced’ up to the point, where it is necessary then to ‘step-out’ so as not to be totally drawn into ‘emotional attachment’ (so as not to be swayed away from doing the coaching work proper).

So, my view still remains, coaching is not about friendship, but more about a purpose-driven objective to facilitate and assist the coachee himself/herself attaining his/her intended coaching goals/outcomes.

I do however, agree that the coach having a friendly disposition helps, but never at the expense of what the coach-coachee relationship sets out to do in the first place.

Professional coaching as ‘friendship for sale’? Not from my perspective. Is it ‘friendship for sale’ from your perpective?

Meta-cheerio.

Billy C H Teoh
Malaysia.

As a fairly new sales coach, I’ve been experiencing the curious mix of professional relationship and friendship. I’m not seeking friendships when I coach, so I think I subconsciously draw a line that no one has crossed over yet–like a doctor-patient relationship. But I notice that it wouldn’t take much to create a friendship outside of the coaching setting.

It just goes to show the depth of rapport you can create with a person when you listen to them fully. I try to remember that in my personal relationships, too.

Linda Schneiderr
The Way of Real Estate