Do You Think You’re Better Than You Are?
by Donna Karlin
“People predict that they will behave more ethically than they actually do.”
I recently read a fascinating article in the World Business Life online magazine called “How Good Do You Think You Are?” which fascinated me. How often do we take client ethics into consideration when we coach them? Is it something that is in the forefront of our minds as we listen to where they are, to their challenges, to roadblocks and stressors in their worlds?
Do we challenge them in a non-judgmental way about how they process what they do and how and, perhaps, help them see their way might not be the only way or best way? Does it come to mind as we coach them through an inter-personal relationship, especially in the workplace when they might deceive themselves as to the right or wrong of their actions? Or do many coaches take what the clients say at face value and coach them on their articulation of the situation?
I found this article fascinating as it highlighted an area of focus I should always pay attention to. How can we ask our clients about their ethical foundation without sounding judgmental? If you witnessed a client doing something where their ethics might be in question, how would you approach it, if at all?
About the Author
Donna Karlin CEC, founder of A Better Perspective‚Äö has pioneered the specialized practice of Shadow Coaching‚Äö with global political and senior organizational leaders in the public and private sectors.
Donna uses an adaptable and comprehensive approach in working with her clients that enables her to understand individuals and their worlds sufficiently to design coaching that shifts their developmental level. Donna is an author, speaker and lectures internationally. In response to widely expressed interest to her highly successful and innovative approach to coaching, she established the School of Shadow Coaching‚Äö to enable others to learn the practice.
Donna's work has been written up in Fast Company Magazine, The National Post, The Globe and Mail, The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Personal Success Magazine, as well as in numerous online articles including BusinessListening.com, The Training Report, and SelfGrowth.com. She recently co-authored the best selling book ‚Äö"Great Ways to Improve Your Life‚Äö" with Zig Ziglar, Brian Tracy and Jim Rohn. Donna writes a weekly column for Fast Company called "Jumping Into the Deep End of Leadership," and is an Executive and Political Leadership Expert for SelfGrowth.com. Her blog Perspectives is subscribed to by readers from 127 countries and territories.
She has a proven track record in developing sustainable leadership.
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There are 6 Responses so far...
Hi Donna,
As you so often do, you are raising one of THE central questions in Coaching today, and it’s not for the squeamish. Many will protest, “Who are YOU to determine whether what the client is doing is ethical or not?” But I think the central question for the client is not whether they are living up to MY moral standards, but are they living up to THEIR own moral standards?
I have to admit that one of my guilty pleasures is watching a show called “Moment of Truth”. I learn an immense amount about human behavior from the show. Before the show, contestants are asked 50 questions while hooked up to a lie detector. Then, during the show, with their friends and family in attendance, they are asked 21 of those questions. If they answer the questions truthfully, they could win up to $500,000.
Particularly memorable for me was one contestant who was clearly determined to win the money. Whatever factual question they asked her, despite how it tarnished her moral image, despite how it put her marriage at risk, she answered the questions honestly. It seemed a foregone conclusion that she would win the big money. But about 15 questions into the game, she lost all her money because they asked her a question that was not about the facts. They asked, “Do you think you’re a good person?” She emphatically answered “Yes, I think I am a good person.” The lie detector said she was mistaken about that. In the right hands, what a coaching moment THAT could have been!
So, yes, I do think we have to be mirrors for our clients. Coaching is about creating possibilities. I would challenge a client, raising the possibility that they are not living up to their own moral standard, and explore with them the possibilities of getting back on track with their own ethical code. If, however, the person’s ethical code was so alien to mine that I could not support them in their aims, there would be no possibility of my working with that client.
Thank you for raising such a crucial question!
Lable
Lable…
Some of these questions are hard to raise for others as well as for ourselves. I wonder how many coaches are too uncomfortable to “go there” with clients and stick to the surface of situations?
And I wonder how many coaches (to get back to your TV show example) would even want to answer it for themselves if they were asked the question “What might be stopping you from asking your client a question regarding personal ethics?”
Thanks!
Donna
hmmmm, what great questions! This topic came up for me just yesterday as I was doing some peer coaching with a colleague around the touchy topic of personal boundaries with clients.
“Do I dare go here?” was the question that came up for me. I did, and the result was a powerful conversation for us both.
As we reflected together later on what ‘allowed’ me to go there, a couple thoughts surfaced. One was a memory from years ago when (because of fear of triggering an indignant response from my client) I had remained silent. Later, when the consequences of his choices became obvious and public, I lived with the pain of feeling I’d not served him as well as I could have. It wasn’t that I needed him to choose differently, rather I needed (as Thomas would have said) to have had the courage to speak the inkling that had been there for me.
My learning has been (at least when I’m conscious of it!) to simply speak what I notice – kinda like the little boy in the fairy tale who notices out loud that the emperor doesn’t seem to be wearing any clothes! The choice to wear clothes or not belongs to the client, but as coach, I have a responsibility to him/her to be as conscious, open, and courageous in my speaking as I would have them be.
AND of course, be honouring and accepting of those moments when our humanity shows up.
Thanks for the chance to reflect again, Maralyn
Maralyn…
Speaking the inkling is what I do every day as I Shadow Coach. I just finished teaching a class in Washington D.C. and that’s where the class ‘lived’ for most of the training…inklings, nuances and in alignment with what they’re ‘gut’ was telling them. It’s a very powerful place to be. We also discussed asking the tough questions but not in a tough way and practiced what that looked like.
I believe if we don’t ask those ‘uncomfortable for us’ questions, we’re not serving the clients as we stay on the surface and they want deeper. Thanks for sharing this.
Best!
Donna
Yes. You’re right. I also look at how we filter through our impressions and how that might colour how we work with clients. It’s a fascinating journey to look at how we see things, use language and interact with clients. Working with political leaders is also fascinating as their language is unlike any other!
At INSEAD we spoke about supervision in our coaching. This is one area I think we would all benefit from …having the dialogues that stretch us beyond our immediate awareness.
A myriad of possibilities!
Donna
Donna
John Maxwell has said in simple words – treat people NOT as they ARE, but as the CAN BE’
I feel it equally applies to oneself as well! Do we treat our self as we are; or as we can be!
Arvind