Life Coach: “I Hate to Look Stupid”

From Grand Junction Free Press – Grand Junction, Colorado, USA

By Sheri Fisher

June 11, 2009

Doug was a few minutes late for our coaching session, so I re-read his e-mail. ‚ÄúToday I’d like to talk to you about my friend, Brett, who is having marital problems. They’ve been separated for two years after he found out about her having an affair. When Brett called last night to say they are getting back together, I was shocked. How could he forgive her? Worse yet, he said she is coming with him to visit in two months. I’d like some coaching on how to handle this.

‚ÄúDid you get my e-mail?” Doug asked as he sat down.

‚ÄúYes,” I answered. ‚ÄúWhere would you like to begin?”

‚ÄúLast year, I helped my friend Brett move into an apartment,” Doug began. ‚ÄúI’ve been friends with him and his wife, Jen, since college.”

‚ÄúThe problems started two years ago when Jen grew more focused on her career than on their relationship, according to Brett. When he found out about her affair, he moved out. Since then she’s had two relationships, and when Brett is just about to move on, she reels him back in. I feel bad for Brett and mad at Jen. He’s being stupid! How can he trust her?” Doug said.

‚ÄúIn our coaching sessions, we sometimes talk about a specific issue, but I’d like to invite you to try something different. Are you game?” I asked.

‚ÄúSure,” Doug said, trusting my lead.

‚ÄúYou talk about Brett being stupid. Tell me what it means to be stupid,” I said.

‚ÄúBrett is being stupid because‚Ķ” he began.

I interrupted, ‚ÄúLet’s talk about what it’s like for YOU to be stupid,” I said.

Doug’s back stiffened. ‚ÄúI hate feeling stupid and avoid it whenever possible,” he said.

‚ÄúStay with me in the feeling of being stupid. What’s here for you now?” I asked.

‚ÄúEmbarrassment,” he said, his voice dropping slightly.

‚ÄúCan you describe this feeling?” I asked.

‚ÄúI feel like I am standing on a big stage wearing only underwear. As the spotlights come up, I see a full house looking at me. Laughter ripples through the crowd and I look down wondering why I forgot my pants. It sounds dumb, but it’s the best way to explain it.”

‚ÄúWhat’s here for you now?” I ask.

‚ÄúI should have been better prepared. Why didn’t I check before I went on-stage? How will I ever get over this? I feel stupid.”

Doug looked up at me and smiled.

‚ÄúWhat’s here now?” I asked.

‚ÄúIt’s kind of funny – a guy standing on stage in his underwear,” he paused. ‚ÄúIt isn’t the worst thing in the world. I guess it’s what happens next that really matters.”

‚ÄúWhat happens next?” I ask.

‚ÄúI look down, make a big exaggerated expression as though I am surprised that my pants are not there and run off stage.”

‚ÄúDid you die of embarrassment from feeling stupid?” I ask.

‚ÄúNo. I faced it and moved on,” he said.

So how could this relate to the situation with Brett?” I asked.

‚ÄúProbably that being stupid isn’t the worst thing in the world. And, it’s not my responsibility to keep Brett from feeling stupid,” Doug said.

‚ÄúAnything else?” I asked.

‚ÄúMy fear of feeling stupid isn’t just about Brett. It’s about me, too. Part of not wanting to be around Jen is because I’m mad at how she’s treated me. I don’t want to look like a fool, trusting her too quickly. She dumped our friendship and I don’t want to be reeled back in. If they decide to visit, I want to talk with Jen ahead of time to clear the air.”

‚ÄúDoes this conversation need to happen now?” I asked.

‚ÄúSince their trip is two months away, I’ll wait and see how things progress in the next month and then make my decision,” he said.

‚ÄúOne question for you to ponder this week,” I said, ‚Äúis: ‚ÄòWhere else does the fear of feeling stupid affect your life?’”

‚ÄúI can already think of a couple of areas,” he said.

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